Loneliness: Tools for Mid-Pandemic
What to do if you’re feeling lonely right now, mid-pandemic. This is for anyone who is suffering because of social isolation. Maybe you are single and none of your friends are single. Maybe you are normally able to visit others, or they normally visit you, but COVID stopped most of that. Maybe you had lots of casual friends but now they have dropped off the map. Maybe you used to socialize in bars or at the gym or at work. Regardless you feel like you have no one. And that is terrifying in how distant it feels. Like you’re on an iceberg floating far away from the mainland. So here are some tools to deal if that sounds like you!
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Well-being, in the eyes of Aristotle, meant living a good life by objective measures. Loneliness is similar, in that it’s derived from what we believe to be “objective measures” of our connectedness. The key to understanding and treating our loneliness is recognizing that it has a lot to do with perception. How lonely we feel is exacerbated and altered by our perception, despite the literal situation we are in. So the good news is, there are steps you can take if you are feeling lonely – the first one being awareness, and understanding how it operates.
There are 3 parts – the what, why, and how.
The what: loneliness
Feeling alone. And longing. It doesn’t mean you have to be literally alone. Or literally have no friends. It can happen to anyone. You might be totally socially isolated and have no contact with others but feel okay – especially if you are an introvert.
You might feel totally isolated even if you have lots of connections or friends on social media. You also might feel totally alone even when you’re around other people – on Zoom or even in person. Loneliness is not a direct result of how many people you are around or not around.
Loneliness takes many forms: it can show up as sluggishness. As anxiety. As a feeling of constant hunger, or an urge to drink more – like an itch you can’t scratch. Something bottomless. It might make you feel simultaneously sleepy or without energy, and also sleepless.
Part 2: The Why
Loneliness is two-pronged: it’s a BIOLOGICAL problem. You can think of failure to thrive as an adult problem too – which is something that happens when babies are not held enough, they don’t grow. We need touch and closeness on a physical level. If we don’t get enough touch, we get skin hungry. With touch and physical pressure from touch, our heart rate and blood pressure decrease. Levels of stress hormones like cortisol decrease. Touch also releases oxytocin. That’s why it’s really helpful to get a pet like a dog. Or a massage. Men 19-44 who are unmarried are more than twice as likely to die than married. A huge part of this is heart disease – if you are alone you are at greater risk, social isolation is a huge increase of diseases of the heart.*
The second half of loneliness is PERCEPTION. We have an internal measure and an external measure. If our internal measure doesn’t measure up to the external, it makes us feel extra lonely. Here’s the thing – humans also have a negativity bias in that we naturally choose the most negative set point to measure ourselves against. It’s a habit of goal-oriented creatures – so we often look at something much better as a way to strive. However, it means we are always falling short.
Also, your loneliness setpoint might be different depending on your age. We all have a perception of where we are supposed to be right now that is based upon our cultural worldview. This idea is culturally created so If you are in your 20’s or early 30’s, at this age it’s less dictated by relationship status or career status. What you are – air quotes - supposed to be doing - is different depending on the life stage you are in, when you compare yourself to others in your culture. So if you’re in your late 30’s you might designate this is due to not having the relationship you quote – should have by now. Or the family you quote should have by now. Etc. It’s a set point that we attribute power to - in our minds.
For all ages - loneliness comes when we feel unsatisfied by the number of ties we have for social activities. We have a perception that others are not there for us. That we don’t have “people.” And that is a perception that COVID has also created for us. Just for context, when a society lacks resources, everyone is in survival mode. And what we lose when we are in survival mode is the ability to be casual. The ability to be frivolous and spontaneous and fun. So a lot of relationships that are not based in the necessary – that are based in recreation, will fall away. Because we are surviving. And this can have really major effects if you multiply that across everyone you know. You might feel like you are no longer a priority in your friends lives – when in reality, it’s the byproduct of low resources across the board.
We can only be present and participate and give when we are resourced. When our cup is full. When we feel depleted or overwhelmed or like e have nothing to give, there is less of a motive to connect. Even though connection is vital to survival.
I think everyone has a hard time reaching out when we don’t feel shiny. It’s a pride thing. And an image thing. Which we are very aware of in recent years. But that doesn’t make it any less important to feed your skin and presence.
Part 3: The how, the tools
This is about awareness and baby steps. Micro moves. I want you to think of this as you are taking tiny pills called “actions.” And these will help to alter the overall balance of our loneliness. You can take a pill that is physical or in connection.
TOOL: Beauty is an energy
What are you bringing to your skin sack? Under the Skin, great film that Stranger Things ripped off of quite a bit. In it, an alien wears a skin of a human – a skin sack. You are similar in that your life energy and your spirit are what really bring the enchantment, engagement and brightness to your person. Without it, you are like a deflated balloon: very little is about the outside. It’s all about that energy on the inside. Something to become aware of and tune – as you navigate your day. Ask – how can I bring more life or more electricity – fun and brightness – to my energy. This is as much for you as it is for others you might connect to. When we feel energized we feel we have something to give to another – to translate to them. I noticed this recently because I really hadn’t been exercising because I am so physically depleted. When I did exercise I felt full of life! And everything about me changed – my resting expression. My posture. My voice. I just want you to try this on throughout your day.
TOOL: Expect the Opposite – Iceberg edition!
We PERCEIVE that we have no one but that is one millisecond away from changing at all times. It doesn’t feel like it but one singular text or group text changes that dramatically.
I want you to apply this is a different way- in the moment to moment when you have an isolating thought. Is this thought nudging or pulling me closer to someone? In the moments you have a negative thought that is inclined to distance you further, ask yourself – what is the opposite of that thought? Then say aloud “maybe ----- fill in the blank opposite thought.” For example, “Maybe they do love me and miss me and they just haven’t gotten time to reach out.”
TOOL: The Usual Suspects
Be very methodical about this: the usual hangouts I have are dinner parties. I have not been able to see friends because I am quarantined. I have not been able to talk to people because I am not going into work. Etc.
Look at the factors you have in your life – are your relationships low-investment? Are you socially isolated on top of being lonely? Just take stock of your situation in life – for example, I am feeling a lack of physical connection – got that skin hunger. And I am also lacking cold hard numbers. Those people I can perceive would be there for me. For social activities.
TOOL: Boop!
This is a reference to “Superbad” – it’s how my husband and I say I love you at times. It’s a great and low-impact way to start some substance going. Tell a group of your circle in different words – SANS expectation – that you care about them and appreciate them, in some very specific way. And then literally send it out into the universe. It’s not about awaiting a response. The more you can send of these the better. Like little “boops” in a bottle sent across the water. For example, the last time my husband did this he sent a text to our contractor and then got in an hours-long conversation with him.
Tips: “Appreciate You” text to a single person, or “Miss you guys and xyz” in a particular social sub-group text
TOOL: Take A Tablespoon of Touch
Touch is intensely healing. Pressure on the skin sends signals to the vagus nerve in the brain. It releases oxytocin, it’s biologically good for you. It can make you feel more sane and calm. And being in real human proximity is also healing – so knowing that the pandemic is a thing, one way to think about this is to get a tablespoon a day – in as safe a way as possible. If you have a socially distant hang, an elbow to elbow is a tablespoon of touch. In-person eye contact with a smile, (we smile a lot with our eyes) is a ¼ teaspoon. Petting an animal is another tablespoon. As safely as possible, think about this like you’re taking vitamins. Get yours in as best you can. Get creative and silly! For example, shoe to shoe. That’s physical pressure!
TOOL: Mourn the Lost Woulda’s
Look at where you think you SHOULD BE and really process that loss. If you have a journal, write the list of “shoulda’s” and then do a candle ceremony. Mourn what should have been and feel sad, then blow it out. THEN… light a candle for one more person who has the same exact shoulda’s. Blow the candles out for both of you. Mourn for someone other than yourself. This is an EVERYONE problem. Whatever you are mourning, someone else you know is also mourning.
TOOL: Share that candle
This is part two to the above. Tell someone what you did for them, in their honor. “I was going over what was lost this year doing a weird exercise I found in a blog online and I blew out a candle in your honor - because I know you really wanted an in-person wedding.” This is another way to connect to someone on a level that is deeper. You can also share something they inspired in you that is positive. For example, you inspired me to go running at the beach. Or you inspired me to start reading that book that I know I should read but haven’t. Or you inspired me to start doing crunches again. Think of something you can take on from a friend in your sphere – then send them an email about that thing.
TOOL: Mantra: Somewhere in the middle or – the sum of two poles.
When we have a negative summation of how we are doing socially, or in popularity, or in career or etc. We fully commit to that belief and believe it is true. Same goes for when we are totally high on ourselves and thinking “I am the shit and everyone loves me.” In those windows of time – we are exactly the same with the exact same value. Nothing is different about us. So a good rule of thumb when you are telling yourself dark things about yourself – is the truth is somewhere in the middle – always. We just can’t see things for what they are, so we pick a pole. We always swing too high or too low. This tool is only intended to help in the low moments but it’s also healthy to recall in the high moments – that this does not define me. I am always this person – with or without this pole.
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In closing…
Recognizing you might be suffering is the first step. Jumping into action is the second step. It’s alleviated much more quickly than you think. Don’t build the case for the enemy – why you shouldn’t take any action. If you are suffering, take an action – any action – right now. Even if that means you are driving to someone’s house to say hi from the car. Or calling the first number in your phone. Or waving to every stranger you see as you take a hike.
Loneliness is a self-perpetuating state. So don’t let it suck you into its vortex. We are all feeling it – and people who are popular and have tons of friends feel it as much as people who literally have no contact with others. Get over it. Get humble. And take the stigma out of loneliness – in your own head. And take your metaphorical meds.
Sending you my love – and a hug and a backrub – smile.