Doom Spiral: Sorting Between Old and New Thoughts

Tools for Rumination and Honoring Your Adult Self

A lot of what we live through is created in our mind – and much of it is also the result of old trauma or strong emotional imprints that resurface in adulthood. Life is shaped by hormones and rumination. What I want to do is start to distinguish between what is new and what is old, as they often get blended together.

When we get into a negative thought loop, this is what creates our reality – because there is a sequence of feelings that stem from that initial thought. For example, "I am sad because I am alone tonight and this person didn’t call me back." This catalyzes: "Where am I in my life?" which leads to feeling emotionally low, and then my brain wants to double down on this feeling, adding logs to the bonfire of sadness. This catalyzes the next thought, and the next one, and the next one after that.

If this resonates with you, I am doing something very simple in this episode: I am writing directions for how to dismantle these kinds of thought patterns.

What happens is our brain fights for control over feelings of pain, powerlessness, and ego threats that left a mark long ago. For example, "They don’t like me," or "I am not good enough." When we have a feeling similar to an intense memory from childhood or young adulthood, we defend against that feeling by rationalizing it, giving it a logical set of terms and labels. We say, "That feeling is from this present-day thing in my life," and we have already jumped on the bandwagon of that sequence of feelings.

In this moment, there is a lengthy narrative created, but it is also a plan to head toward that set of outcomes. So in that moment, not only are you choosing how to feel right now – you are choosing how you will feel in the future, plus scripting out the feelings of someone else in the process. All of this story happens in our head and also in our body – we have to live through it even when it’s not happening in reality.

A lot of what I do when I work with people is help them recognize which feelings are old and which ones are new. Meaning, what is happening now in reality and what is being triggered as a strong emotional memory. When we can become experts on this in ourselves, we start to feel less guided by the past and more guided by our wisest selves.

Here’s what I want you to do: 

TOOL: My Usual Suspects or Ghost Feelings

Write down in your journal a list of the most potent, painful recurring feelings that come up for you, and also the greatest unmet needs you have from childhood. Moments when you felt powerless and stuck in intense pain for long periods of time. These will be like phrases you hear – like "They don’t like me," or "Why can’t you see me?" (one of mine). The goal here is to get to know these super powerful thoughts and feelings. These will also have the scale of a child’s emotions.

TOOL: Pain Fear Step Back

This is a super important tool that I want you to begin to practice the moment you have a negative expectation or fear. This is a really familiar thought or fear like, "Oh, that person is mad at me," or "This is going to be really bad," or "I think I am feeling sad." Whatever it is, this is your initial signaling thought that tells you that you are entering the sequence of other negative storytelling. As soon as you have that initial thought in the sequence, I want you to recognize it for what it is: a decision, an inclination. And the moment you feel it, I want you to step back – disengage from it like an object. It’s not you, but something happening inside you. And something that is optional – it’s a story to tell. Here’s the reflection I would like you to do in that moment:

 This is the meditation – to do play-acting, and get your body to imagine something. Just like you can imagine biting into a lemon. But instead, I am asking you to imagine a state of openness and neutrality. I want you to say in your mind, "Maybe something totally different and positive will happen," and get your body to be in that state of openness and anticipation. Maybe something new will happen.

 TOOL: I Accept All Outcomes

This is another meditation that might trigger you in the process, but the reason to do it is just to practice acceptance of what is. Meaning, the most pain is caused by our desire to control and the illusion that if we worry enough, we can somehow control what will be. This is what causes us the most pain. So the meditation is quite literally saying in other words, "I accept and embrace what will be – and I will survive it."

So you imagine the best possible outcome, go through it in your mind’s eye, imagine yourself getting through it and moving through it. Then imagine the worst possible outcome. Imagine yourself getting through it and moving through it. 

TOOL: Positive Set Point Conditioning or Gratitudes!

A big part of negative rumination is just the brain’s inclination to look for something to label anxiety with. We are looking for negative sources to attach to the feeling of anxiety. So in the face of that, it’s really important to reset your baseline of what your brain defaults to. It is literally a habit. What is your habituated scan? For example, you may scan for the brand of car you just bought. This is the same. So in honor of that, I want you to do three gratitudes, one positive experience each day for 20 days. Bonus points for actions that are positive and kind to someone else.

TOOL: Get to Know the Silent Watcher

I like to think of us as being two people. We are this calculator, the ego, that is mostly defaulting to threat prevention and things that can possibly make us feel more strong and powerful. But there is this other being – I like to think of it as our kid self or our spirit. They are just riding along in our body, watching what we do with this ego self. And oftentimes, we are not honoring that inner self, that watcher’s wishes. We do things at the cost of ourselves, or we speak negatively to ourselves or hurt ourselves. It’s very meta, but when you start to listen inward and ask, "What is true for me? What honors me?" – and take steps to be respectful to that self, we as a being feel really good. We start to feel valuable and confident and self-loving and self-trusting. Your actions must demonstrate that you are worthy of trust – a good friend to you. Just like building a relationship with a new stranger: it takes actions that are consistent. So with that in mind, I want you to take a moment and just become aware of the little electrical impulses of your mind. Sit in silence for five minutes and watch the thoughts as they flit across the stage that is your mind. As soon as you have a thought, you can invest in it or you can watch it, like an object in your mind that can just as easily evaporate.

TOOL: What’s the Feeling Below? For Haunting Rumination

One journal exercise I find very helpful in the moment you are going in loops is to recognize that often we are really resisting feeling something that is so soft and squishy. A really human and understandable emotion like powerlessness or fear. It’s a resistance to accept something that makes us feel sad.

 The intensity of our brain’s response to these kinds of thoughts is really just an old fear that we cannot survive that feeling. It’s our brain saying, "But I can’t feel hurt, I can’t – it’s too big." And so we are rejecting feeling it, rejecting confronting it, but in reality, you are an adult now and you are safe. So that is a misplaced response. We think we are protecting ourselves, but in reality, we are just creating more pain in that mental looping.

TOOL: Separate the Piles

With any negative rumination, there’s a desire to build up the rational argument for your pain. The brain wants to throw on new reasons that validate the feeling of wallowing. This is how we can dive into self-indulgent pity or anger. As soon as you recognize that pattern, step back and separate it into piles. Just like controlled burns of fire, this is the same thing.

In closing… thank you to my latest sponsors – thank you to Megan for the donation!

There is no such thing as reality except for the filter we bring to it. This is what we are working with – changing the encoded expectations of said filter. When you can practice disengaging from really ingrained responses, we find that a whole new eventual future opens up. When we can also be open to a new reality, our life gets better – it’s not colored by our grasping and controlling need to make it something specific in our mind.

What happens is that in the consistent disengaging from the initial chain of thoughts, they get weaker and less ingrained. Less strongly reinforced by chemical grooves. So the moment you have that chain of thinking – let’s say it’s "I might be depressed today." The moment you step back from the thought and say, "Maybe something totally different will happen. Maybe nothing is wrong at all." And really get into that muscle memory feel it in your body: your chest, your belly, your shoulders: a sense of openness.

And then you need to continue creating a delay in the physical reaction to that thought. Prolong it for as long as you can. Maybe you can take a walk while listening to a podcast. Or do yoga with intense breathing to distract yourself. It’s just about zagging in the face of a conditioned response. And know that the original response is so seductive. It’s like a version of masturbation – it's indulgent and feels juicy – we want to dive into it and wallow. This is about stepping back from that consciously, becoming aware that it’s not helpful.

This is how we create change. If you can do this diligently for two months, the responses get slower – less habituated. And then when you see that change, you can see that you are malleable. It’s a game-changer awareness. That you have the power to change who you are.