When the Narcissist Reaches Out

Hi friends! This is a follow-up to a previous podcast episode about how to escape a relationship with a narcissist. If you would like to check that out, here is that episode and one other.

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This episode is a request from a listener who suggested that I do a follow-up episode to the other episode about escaping a narcissistic relationship – I have another that is for how to tell if you are dating a narcissist. I will put links to those in the show notes if you are going through either of these situations.

For those of you who have gotten out of the relationship, high fives it takes a LOT to get out of one. Many get stuck in them for years – it can take 7 or 8 tries to get out of one. And that is because you really have a squatter in your soul when you are in this kind of relationship.

They take over your value scale for happiness and your entire life becomes about sustaining the relationship. As you abandon your own self-respect, you give over more power to someone who doesn’t stick to what they say they’re going to do and makes you feel like you can’t trust your instincts. Everything is your fault. Managing the flow of the intoxicating relationship becomes like your full-time job – and with that, you start to abandon relationships.

Here’s a little tune-up I wanted to post for anyone who might be facing a call from said narcissist. If this was a romantic relationship, then they usually reach out at exactly the 9-month mark. It’s uncanny but it’s some deep biological instinct to check in once there could be no baby involved.

When this reach out happens – you likely feel as if you’ve been punched in the stomach. It gives you waves of fear, dread, panic – all of which might feel a bit irrational. And that’s because you are being revisited by a drug that took over your life and disempowered you for a long time. That dread and fear feeling of sickness is your body recognizing the real inherent danger to your safety and autonomy brought about by this person. Never forget! They had power over you to make you feel things you didn’t want to feel. To abandon yourself and your goals in life despite your own intelligence and wherewithal. That sickness is your self-protective gut – it speaks the truth. This person is dangerous and you cannot under any circumstances respond or allow even the slightest bit of contact. Why? Your greatest form of strength and protection is distance. You control proximity to yourself. Right now they are looking for ANY in whatsoever to reach you. To get to you. To see where it is you are. They are poking at your person in as many ways as they possibly can. Trying to find the angle in. Will this approach get you? What about this one?

Along those lines, the reach out itself might be super random and even insulting in how it disregards the previous communications you have had together.

It might inspire reactions like “What?! Do they honestly mean this? What about everything I said and did?!”

This is bait. This is them attempting to engage you. By any means necessary. It is a reach out meant to illicit you divulging information about where it is you stand in terms of them. They are attempting to get you to respond – period. It has nothing to do with the content of what they said.

This reach out might be extreme. It might make you feel guilty. I have heard stories ranging from a person faking cancer to a person demanding a gift they gave, back.

This reach out might tip you off balance. Whereas a minute ago you were doing awesomely, now you feel enraged, confused, and fill in the blank emotion that matches the hook they were able to latch onto – in you – from your personal baggage. What I mean by that is whatever it is you felt while in the relationship – whatever weakness addicted you to them and made you vulnerable to them is likely what will be triggered by this reach out.

Your brain might go through several rationalizations and replays from different angles of what they said. Did they mean this? Maybe they meant this. Or that.

You might even feel guilty for not responding, or feel bad for them. When we feel bad that they are hurt: this is in our head. The image of them is one created by our baggage – it is not accurate. After all, they created a version of themselves that is shaped to our ideals. They project according to what attracts and keeps you – their game in life is obtaining worshippers and sources of dedication and adoration. As soon as they have you back in this place, they stop trying. As soon as you are gone – they give chase.

Whatever emotions come up I want you to write them down and draw a yellow circle around them. This is why you cannot have contact with them: you are still from this distance getting hooked by them. The mind melt is working!

The response you would have if you are completely invulnerable is mild amusement but nothing more. It would also be easy not to open or read or listen to the message. If that’s how they communicated with you. As an aside you should have blocked their number if you haven’t already I strongly recommend you do so!

If you are wondering why they reached out now, it’s likely because they ran out of adorers and are tapping on this wall that was once locked to see if they can open it. Just in case you are weak once again and they can gain access. Like maybe you are lonely enough that they can take over once again and use your resources.

It’s just like someone walking through an alley and trying all the cars to see if they’re locked. Maybe there’s some money inside. And there is very much the same mentality. It’s about getting something out of you that gives them amusement, resources like sex, and most of all - power.

TOOL: Big Ass Mote

There is only one tool I want you to use no matter what - in this episode because I want you to use it and not risk anything else happening to you. Your greatest and best tool is protecting your proximity – you cannot under any circumstances allow them to gain access to you via creating contact. Do not engage. Repeat. Do not engage. Do not respond even with an “I told you not to contact me.”

All actions are also messages – so in responding, it says in your action “I still care. I am still vulnerable.” You open a window for them to climb in and with whatever you say you reveal more about yourself.

If you can successfully ignore this reach out, there will be another one – between a week and a month later, most likely. This will be them attempting contact with a totally different tactic – most often something very sweet or very aggressive/hostile. So for example one might be “I just want you to know I always loved you.” Or alternately, “I knew you were too self-involved to care about me. I just wanted to wish you well.”

This second attempt will be more provocative and emotionally affecting. Your job at this juncture is to do the same: ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

TOOL: Driver #3

This is the credits – there’s a guy driving a van in one scene. They get a credit that is simply “Driver #3.” I want you to nominate someone who can act as your hands if need be – if this person is going to engage you in any physical realm that requires your presence. For example, let’s say you actually DO have something that is theirs that you cannot mail back or return and there is some reason you NEED to give it to them. I think this is rare but there are circumstances. For example, a car. That will be returned to them by your nominated “guy #3.”  That person will deliver the item with no exchange of information about you. They will simply shrug because this is not a speaking role after all!

Whoever they are in your life – I want you to make them aware of your situation now and let them know you might need help. Let them know they are your proximity protector. They will be the only one who has any contact whatsoever with the narcissist. They will divulge no messages from you whatsoever. The end.

TOOL: Go Clear

Last, if this person is giving you anxiety by coming back into your life – I want you to clear out any and all everything you have of them. Hopefully you already did this but by that I mean notify any overlapping friends that you will not have any contact with them – ever. Block them on your phone. Have their emails automatically sent to trash – I know you can do this on gmail. Change your locks. Change all your passwords and update any shared accounts. Make sure you have nothing in common including any memberships etc. Nothing can be shared – even if it’s a financial perk. It’s not worth it. This represents a window that remains open – they can access you in the future.

In closing…

Lean into the anger you might have. Try to lean into it. Tell yourself to embrace it. Do not allow yourself to entertain the what-if’s. What if it’s true? What if they changed? Or the idea that you are over them and therefore you CAN engage.

Never forget – this is your drug. Your vice. They took you down hard, against your will. And you got out alive. Think of this like that movie “Room” – you just got out of a hostage situation and your job is just to keep running and never look back. As soon as you look back you risk tripping and falling. Run like your life depends on it and trust that fear in your gut.

This is your drug and you kicked it. Never forget what you went through and never underestimate their power to manipulate you. Do not permit access. Do not engage. Stay safe.

I am thinking of you. If you need more info about this situation I am putting the two other episodes on this topic in the show notes.

I send you my love and don’t forget to smile!