Great Expectations: Managing Relationships with People Who Hurt You

When people you love disappoint you.

You can find the podcast version of this blog, here.

If you're stuck in a loop of bad behavior and find yourself set up again and again, maybe even to the point that a confrontation has come about, this is a blog for you. Whether it's a friend, family member, or significant other, a solution is about setting yourself to zero. Not in a bad way, in a realistic and self-loving, healthy way.

When someone you love constantly disappoints you, what is really hurting you is your expectation not being met. If you want to keep this relationship, you’ve got to be able to accept both outcomes, and be okay with that. I know that’s easier said than done so I will cover the what, why and how in these types of relationships in hopes that you will better find a solution if you happen to be in a relationship like this.

First, I am going to cover what kinds of behaviors you might be encountering. Second, the various “why’s” behind their behavior. Why they make false promises, why they “can't change” and why they don't seem to care about you. Third, how you can change the way this situation is affecting you.

Part 1: What are these relationships like and what is the pattern?

Picture the one person who disappoints you again and again. What is their mode of operation when it comes to bad behaviors? I’m guessing it's likely they’re one of the following:

- selfish or self-centered

- childish

- lazy

- dishonest

- manipulative

- depressed

- erratic and unpredictable, insane - a loose canon

- angry or full of hate

- uncaring and blind to you (this one can be especially excruciating)

Journal Exercise

Write in your journal about this person: what is the last experience you had in which they were able to hurt you? Why do you think you didn’t see it coming?

As you read on, know that this article is not to excusing their behavior; it’s about understanding and accepting the reality of who they are so you don't get hurt by them again. Once you understand why they are the way they are, you are able to decide what kind of relationship you want and have one that accounts for their flaws.

This is written to hopefully give you a reflective process. The goal is for you to be free from the scars they will continue to cause in the future so you don't have to hold onto any painful grudges. The goal is also for you to be able to have something of value from this relationship, regardless of the fact that you cannot change them. Even having something as simple as peace of mind is a worthwhile pursuit because often with confusing behavior comes confusing emotions. When you’re suffering in a painful relationship, often you are torn in two directions around cutting it off and if you do finally end the relationship you feel confused and guilty. With understanding you can also process the pain of the loss you have endured and by mourning you’ll be able to make empowered decisions moving forward.

The majority of relationships like this involve another person who does not fulfill what we need them to. When we allow them to hurt us again and again, it’s often because we had a good reason to invest in this time “being different.” Usually we completely understand where they’re coming from and therefore feel enough compassion to give them another chance to save our hearts. Other times we anticipate the disappointing behavior but despite our best efforts, we can’t help but have hope that they will come through just this once. It’s an especially difficult spot to be in because when someone is close enough to hurt us, it’s because we love and care them and the stakes are much higher. You can’t simply ditch this person or turn your heart cold: you are ambivalent. This relationship has value in your life, and if only it didn’t hurt so much, you could keep it. You could keep reaching for the one sentence you need them to say. Or the one night they finally get it. You try everything in your power to help them get there because you want it that badly. When they promise you something you want to believe them so badly that you do, again and again – holding that desperate hope that this time – they’ll see me. They’ll see me in pain. And that is the crux of the issue.

We know this other person can change, and because of that we think they will – that this time will be different because we helped them so much or yelled loud enough or made them promise it ten times harder than before. The toughest part of your process comes outside of this person. It comes in your own mind. You must accept that the old room they stay stuck inside is not about you. You cannot enter it, and you will never be seen from inside of it. That person must leave the room, or at the very least open a window, in order to be capable of giving you what you need. You cannot force them to leave that room, but you can be loving and honest with them about why you cannot tolerate the behavior. They must decide to do the work, themselves.

Because these behaviors are engrained from a long, long time ago, it can be hard for them to see what they are doing – even when you feel it is painfully obvious. That is why you have to make your decisions based on yourself and what’s best for you. You cannot make your happiness conditional to this other person waking up and changing. To be a healthy, happy, functioning human being you have to be able to rely on yourself to take care of your best interests. Which is why it’s extremely important that you do not tolerate and endure any negative, abusive behaviors. No matter how much it hurts to not get what you want from this other person, eventually you will heal and you will grow as a result of this. Eventually you will also gain a peaceful acceptance of who they are. (I like the word acceptance more than forgiveness because it doesn't involve denying the evil of cruelty you might have endured at this person’s hand.) The real reason to have peaceful acceptance of this situation, and not hate, is immunity from the pain they caused, for the remainder of your life. You are the one who hurts when you don't let go of pain, and not them.

I assume this person’s behavior sucks and you have a very good reason to feel the way you do. It’s not about forcing yourself to forgive them and say it’s okay, or keep them around because you’re supposed to; it’s just about letting go of the pain. It’s about honoring the wounds, soothing them until they heal, then deciding from an empowered and rational place what you want for the future – if anything at all.

There are a variety of personality types you might fall victim to in a one-sided relationship. Let’s imagine this person missed your birthday party and you brought it up. These are a few examples of how that person might respond.

Selfish / Self-centered